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Flower of Destiny

I found myself in an interesting position when I woke this morning—both literally (crick in my neck) and figuratively (said crick is from sleeping in the crook of Derek’s arm).  Yes, I spent the night with him. It’s really not what you think.

Well, maybe just a little.

Let me back up. You know those little misgivings I’ve been feeling about Aaron? It finally hit me that I need to listen to my gut, even if I don’t know yet what it’s trying to tell me. Slow down? Look more closely? There’s something there. I’m not ready to close up shop with Aaron and draw down verdicts or anything, but isn’t that kind of the point? No drastic decisions before their time.

Sazzy FlowerSomething else has been on my mind: Why is it that girls are always the ones waiting to be chosen? Whether it’s for the phone call or the little velvet box, there’s a lot of sitting around hoping for rings. I guess that’s why I was subconsciously in a holding pattern to see what Aaron’s next moves might be before I made any of my own. The thing is, I’m bolder in almost every other aspect of my life, pretty good at creating my own destiny. I don’t usually wait to be chosen. I choose. I do this with jobs, friends, where I live—pretty much everything. Why not do it with my dating life? Why not call Derek with no pretense that it’s just business? My relationship with Aaron is young enough and un-committed enough for that. I’m not saying I wasn’t nervous, but I did it.

So, last night Derek and I met for dessert at Yum. He’s really got this slow and steady sort of thing going on, a good listener who talks only when he has something worth saying. And again, he’s really, really funny.  We decided after dessert to take a little walk, but as we were toying with the idea of going for sushi, some random wiener dog came tearing around the corner and toppled Derek into a parking meter. It was the funniest thing I’ve seen in months, a grown man being taken down by a wiener dog, and we laughed ourselves silly. Anyway, he twisted his ankle in the process! Some first date. We cabbed it to his car, which I then had to drive. Then I had to help him into his apartment and, well, va-va-voom.

Okay, not really.

But there was some action. The action was different than with Aaron, who tends to manhandle a bit. It’s not that I don’t like it, and it’s definitely not a 50 Shades kind of thing. Aaron’s just impassioned, which can be hot but sometimes almost frantically so. Derek took a long time to go in for the kiss, at least a few hours into our conversation on his couch. Once he did, he was slow and really savored it. This guy took his time and smiled between kisses. I don’t know how to describe that part, but it was so attractive—like an expression of pleasure instead of vice. The way he kept his eyes on me just felt nice, even comfortable. That’s how I ended up falling asleep on his couch, probably mid-make-out, a packet of frozen peas strapped to his ankle. (I’m going to need one for my neck tonight!)

So, here’s the deal: I just don’t have both feet in the water with Aaron. I think he knows that. If he asks, I’ll tell him. Derek already knows I’ve been seeing someone, so no illusions there. For now, I’m choosing to keep my options open, because what I am definitely serious about is making my own happiness.


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A Budding “Partnership”

Remember how I said that Derek gave me his business card when I ran into him at the grocery store? After we parted ways, I put his business card in my coat pocket and left.

Business card exchange not flowers

I don’t wear that coat all the time so when I put it on again this week and felt a rectangle of paper in my pocket, I pulled out the unknown source and saw Derek’s business card. I read it over and noticed his title for the first time: Senior Web Designer.

As it so happens, my boss asked me if I knew of any reputable web designers in town that could redo our website. I have never had an occasion in my life where I needed a web designer so I told him that I did not. He said, “No problem, put some research into it and let me know what you find out.”

I did not really have any idea where to start looking for a web designer beyond Google, so it seemed pretty fortunate that Derek happened to cross my path. Without even thinking, I started dialing the number listed on his business card. He picked up after two rings, I told him it was me and that I was actually calling on business. I asked him if I could meet him for lunch to learn a little more about what he does and see some samples of his work.

So anyway, we had lunch today. We spent about two seconds talking about websites. I didn’t know what I should be looking for, but his work looked really cool and polished to me, so I told him I would pass his information onto my boss.

We spent the rest of lunch casually catching up over burgers and French fries. It was really nice. Just that one lunch really got me thinking about how strange it is that time makes you forget things. I forgot that Derek has always been really funny. He also has a way of convincing you that he is really listening. Like whatever anyone has to say is important to him and worth his time to hear. I think we would all be better off if we each had a little more of that in us.

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Pollination Confusion

Okay, so if last time I blogged I was feeling unsettled; now I am totally unsure.  So Shannon and I went out for drinks and talked through some of the things that were beginning to irritate me about Aaron. To be fair, there are probably a few habits I have that he could protest to as well: I bite my nails, sometimes I leave dirty clothes on the floor and I always complain about him leaving the toilet seat up.

Annoying Habits

And…I sometimes do this. But who doesn’t?!

But, it still seems like he is too into himself to really notice these things about me. So amidst my misgivings, I ran into an old fling from college. His name is Derek.  Adam (college boyfriend) and I broke up all the time during the years we were together. No one ever knew when we were together, not together, loved each other, hated each other—you know, just a really obnoxious couple.

Anyway, Adam and I had a few “bigger” breakups that spanned a few months. One summer we decided to stop talking and I started talking to Derek. Derek and I worked together, and he was really fun. It looked like we were going to maybe start dating, but I freaked out because I still loved Adam. I always felt like it was a bit of a missed opportunity because I went back to what was familiar instead of taking a risk.

You can see where this is going. I ran into Derek recently while I was grocery shopping. Over blueberries we briefly discussed careers. He seemed to be doing well, he certainly looked well and he still had that boyish charm. I told him I was doing well and, more as an afterthought, mentioned that I had been dating someone for a few months. I said, “Nothing too serious.”

Is that how I really think about my relationship with Aaron, nothing too serious? I feel like that isn’t a good sign, and I feel guilty for telling Derek that I don’t think of my boyfriend as being too serious. What does this mean?

Amidst my internal freak out Derek flashed a smile, politely said goodbye and as we were parting ways he gave me his business card and told me to call him if I ever felt like catching up more.

Confused. Confused. I feel confused.

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When Kissing Flowers, Tulips are Better than One

So Aaron and I have been dating for a couple of months. It’s been really fun. It’s been great even. But I had my first pang of a misgiving last weekend and I feel unsettled about it. I think that we are through that honeymoon phase where everything is so new and exciting, and all I ever want to do is spend every single waking second with him.

Remember when I said that Aaron was the kind of person that people just knew things about in high school? Well I worry that I should amend that to say that Aaron is the kind of person that knows that people know things about him. Does that make sense?

Definitely, I am still into him and still having fun, but I am noticing that there are a few things that are starting to bother me about him. I really do think that he is great, but sometimes I feel like that is the punch line of all the stories that he tells. I often think to myself when he finishes telling me a story, “Wonderful, another installment in why Aaron does not know anyone cooler than Aaron.” I think it has been highlighted by the fact that he is starting to recycle stories.

Awesome Man or Arrogant Man

I think that confidence is a great thing, but when it borders on arrogance, the glow around him starts to feel a little contrived.

I think that confidence is a great thing, but when it borders on arrogance, the glow around him starts to feel a little contrived. I cannot even nail down a specific story that is indicative of this; it’s just a pervasive theme I am beginning to become more aware of.

So last weekend I decided that it would be good to reconnect with some of my friends that I may have been neglecting in this phase of new-found romance. I went out with Shannon for a few beers, and we talked through some of my doubts. When I expressed some of my feelings, she shrugged and kind of confirmed some of the things that I was thinking, but said that no one is prefect. Her attitude seemed to be that it’s not as though I am thinking about walking down the aisle, so it’s okay to just have fun for right now.

I agree with this, but at the same time, is Aaron what I am looking for or just what I think I am looking for? At my age, do I want to invest a lot of time in something that might just be temporarily fun? Entirely possible I am prematurely freaking out. We will see.

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Pollination Vaccination?

Well, 2013 definitely had a magical first few moments, but the magic of the holidays quickly wore off when I came down with the bubonic plague. Okay, I am being dramatic, I didn’t have some sort of medieval death disease, but I felt like I did.

You know those reports that have been surfacing about what a bad year it is for influenza? The reports where health experts warn that this flu season is a long one, the symptoms are bad and mainly manifest themselves by making the afflicted feel as though have been hit by a truck? The reports where they say how important vaccination is this year?

Yup. Of course, I thought I was super woman. I am young, I am healthy, I am not high-risk and I am not afraid of the flu. That arrogance was my undoing and exacted a cruel revenge. On the Wednesday after New Years’ Eve, not even 48 hours after the best midnight kiss ever, I left work feeling fine. In the time it took me to commute home, maybe 30 minutes or so, I went from feeling fine to feeling like I was smacked by a semi.

The Flu and Love do not mix!

Don’t talk to me or come near me. But, You can send me a digital flower…maybe?

I felt feverish so I took a fever reducer and laid down for a nap. When I woke up I felt like the semi had reversed to run over me a second time. Before napping I thought I had a fever, post-nap I knew I had a fever. After agonizingly dragging myself from bed Thursday morning to go to the doctor, I felt like an idiot when my doctor asked if I got a flu shot this year.

Well, no. I did not get vaccinated. Thank you for asking.

So she swabbed my nose, which was gross and confirmed I did indeed have influenza. Happy New Year. What a treat! I called Aaron looking for some sympathy and maybe some soup. I didn’t find it, because he was similarly afflicted. Of course, I don’t know why I didn’t see that one coming.

So, which of us gave the other the flu after that magical midnight kiss remains a mystery. The couple that gets the chills, body aches and fever together…stays…together? Didn’t someone say that? One time?

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A New Year Blossoms…but Slowly, Please!

Sorry, I’ve been behind a bit…under the weather, like a lot of people!

In general, I hate New Year’s Eve. It ranks among my least favorite evenings of celebration. It is not that I am a “fun suck”, I just feel like there is so much pressure to have the most fun ever and have the perfect midnight kiss and blah blah blah. If you are single, New Year’s Eve is absolutely as bad, if not worse, than Valentines Day. There is not a big, public outing of all single people on Valentines Day like there is at midnight on New Year’s Eve.

I feel like every previous year has been marked by unattainable expectations and then midnight would strike and all the magic and my inevitable high hopes disappeared, and I was left feeling like Cinderella fleeing the ball. New Year’s Eve tends to be less of a fairy tale and more of a monstrous hangover with a side of regret. Until this year.

I was apprehensively optimistic about New Year’s Eve. Since Aaron and I had only been dating for a little bit, we didn’t want to rush things by having a large unveiling with our families at Christmas. My family is crazy–in an absolutely fun and endearing way. But ultimately, crazy in the kind of way where bringing a new boyfriend into the mix after only dating barely a month is reckless if there is any hope of the relationship continuing. However, don’t think that doesn’t mean I was not fending off questions all through dinner and the unwrapping of presents.

Since we were both busy with family over Christmas, I was excited to spend New Year’s Eve with Aaron. I bought the prerequisite sparkly dress that is perfect for drinking Champagne all night to ring in another year, but would never fly any other night of the year.

Aaron and a few of his friends picked me up and we went to meet Shannon at a small house party before we headed out to the bars. There was lots of laughing, merriment and freely flowing amounts of Champagne.

We picked the bar downtown with the cheapest cover, and I honestly can’t even tell you which bar that was because I was having so much fun I didn’t care where we went. Where every preceding New Year’s Eve felt like a disappointment, I was too busy enjoying myself to even reflect on the fact that ringing in 2012 I watched my best friend and her boyfriend kiss before they both embraced me in pity hug. They are great friends, but I was certainly painfully aware of the fact that in that moment I was standing awkwardly in a sea of kissing couples.

Not the case ringing in 2013. I remember smiling so hard it hurt as I was surrounded by people that make me happy and we were screaming at the top of our lungs 10…9…8…7…6…

The Magical Kiss

The best are those that you never forget!

I don’t think we even hit zero or shouted Happy New Year before Aaron cupped my face in his hands and ended 2012 in the most magically unexpected and romantic of ways. I certainly think 2013 has good things to come.

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Flowers Never Forget

To try to detail everything that happened after Aaron stopped being the boy across the classroom that every girl was irresistibly attracted to in high school seems impossible. But at some point, when we were talking over drinks and he was recalling high school memories I long since forgotten, I just knew. I knew I was in for it.

In the morning, I still felt foggy, like I was not sure if all of that happened. Erinn called me as soon as she woke up to gloat, “Told you. I 100 percent called you and Aaron. I know everything. Did you give him your number?”

New Love

New love…foggy memories

I laughed, “Well, I can’t deny that I had fun with them last night, I don’t think anything will happen. I did not give him my number before I hopped in my cab last night because I am dumb. So I think last night will just amount to a fun memory. Which is totally cool.”

But it wasn’t just a fun memory. We started talking. The more we talked the more uncomfortable I became because I realized that I really liked him. With every guy, I feel like I unconsciously begin a list of reasons why it wouldn’t work. Eventually, the list becomes too long, or I just lose interest. Aaron has a way of keeping me so intrigued I felt giddy all the time.

I can feel my stomach tighten when he calls. When we went on our first date, it felt easy, I felt like I wanted to stay in that moment forever. I know, I know, I am venturing back into the realm of clichés. But that is what I am saying, it is so hard to articulate those moments and the little details that lead up to us eventually dating because they sound trite.

All that I can say is eeeeeeek!

So great. Boyfriend, check.

Christmas present, hmmm…