Flower of Destiny

I found myself in an interesting position when I woke this morning—both literally (crick in my neck) and figuratively (said crick is from sleeping in the crook of Derek’s arm).  Yes, I spent the night with him. It’s really not what you think.

Well, maybe just a little.

Let me back up. You know those little misgivings I’ve been feeling about Aaron? It finally hit me that I need to listen to my gut, even if I don’t know yet what it’s trying to tell me. Slow down? Look more closely? There’s something there. I’m not ready to close up shop with Aaron and draw down verdicts or anything, but isn’t that kind of the point? No drastic decisions before their time.

Something else has been on my mind: Why is it that girls are always the ones waiting to be chosen? Whether it’s for the phone call or the little velvet box, there’s a lot of sitting around hoping for rings. I guess that’s why I was subconsciously in a holding pattern to see what Aaron’s next moves might be before I made any of my own. The thing is, I’m bolder in almost every other aspect of my life, pretty good at creating my own destiny. I don’t usually wait to be chosen. I choose. I do this with jobs, friends, where I live—pretty much everything. Why not do it with my dating life? Why not call Derek with no pretense that it’s just business? My relationship with Aaron is young enough and un-committed enough for that. I’m not saying I wasn’t nervous, but I did it.

So, last night Derek and I met for dessert at Yum. He’s really got this slow and steady sort of thing going on, a good listener who talks only when he has something worth saying. And again, he’s really, really funny.  We decided after dessert to take a little walk, but as we were toying with the idea of going for sushi, some random wiener dog came tearing around the corner and toppled Derek into a parking meter. It was the funniest thing I’ve seen in months, a grown man being taken down by a wiener dog, and we laughed ourselves silly. Anyway, he twisted his ankle in the process! Some first date. We cabbed it to his car, which I then had to drive. Then I had to help him into his apartment and, well, va-va-voom.

Okay, not really.

But there was some action. The action was different than with Aaron, who tends to manhandle a bit. It’s not that I don’t like it, and it’s definitely not a 50 Shades kind of thing. Aaron’s just impassioned, which can be hot but sometimes almost frantically so. Derek took a long time to go in for the kiss, at least a few hours into our conversation on his couch. Once he did, he was slow and really savored it. This guy took his time and smiled between kisses. I don’t know how to describe that part, but it was so attractive—like an expression of pleasure instead of vice. The way he kept his eyes on me just felt nice, even comfortable. That’s how I ended up falling asleep on his couch, probably mid-make-out, a packet of frozen peas strapped to his ankle. (I’m going to need one for my neck tonight!)

So, here’s the deal: I just don’t have both feet in the water with Aaron. I think he knows that. If he asks, I’ll tell him. Derek already knows I’ve been seeing someone, so no illusions there. For now, I’m choosing to keep my options open, because what I am definitely serious about is making my own happiness.

A Budding “Partnership”

Remember how I said that Derek gave me his business card when I ran into him at the grocery store? After we parted ways, I put his business card in my coat pocket and left.

I don’t wear that coat all the time so when I put it on again this week and felt a rectangle of paper in my pocket, I pulled out the unknown source and saw Derek’s business card. I read it over and noticed his title for the first time: Senior Web Designer.

As it so happens, my boss asked me if I knew of any reputable web designers in town that could redo our website. I have never had an occasion in my life where I needed a web designer so I told him that I did not. He said, “No problem, put some research into it and let me know what you find out.”

I did not really have any idea where to start looking for a web designer beyond Google, so it seemed pretty fortunate that Derek happened to cross my path. Without even thinking, I started dialing the number listed on his business card. He picked up after two rings, I told him it was me and that I was actually calling on business. I asked him if I could meet him for lunch to learn a little more about what he does and see some samples of his work.

So anyway, we had lunch today. We spent about two seconds talking about websites. I didn’t know what I should be looking for, but his work looked really cool and polished to me, so I told him I would pass his information onto my boss.

We spent the rest of lunch casually catching up over burgers and French fries. It was really nice. Just that one lunch really got me thinking about how strange it is that time makes you forget things. I forgot that Derek has always been really funny. He also has a way of convincing you that he is really listening. Like whatever anyone has to say is important to him and worth his time to hear. I think we would all be better off if we each had a little more of that in us.

Pollination Confusion

Okay, so if last time I blogged I was feeling unsettled; now I am totally unsure.  So Shannon and I went out for drinks and talked through some of the things that were beginning to irritate me about Aaron. To be fair, there are probably a few habits I have that he could protest to as well: I bite my nails, sometimes I leave dirty clothes on the floor and I always complain about him leaving the toilet seat up.

And…I sometimes do this. But who doesn’t?!

But, it still seems like he is too into himself to really notice these things about me. So amidst my misgivings, I ran into an old fling from college. His name is Derek.  Adam (college boyfriend) and I broke up all the time during the years we were together. No one ever knew when we were together, not together, loved each other, hated each other—you know, just a really obnoxious couple.

Anyway, Adam and I had a few “bigger” breakups that spanned a few months. One summer we decided to stop talking and I started talking to Derek. Derek and I worked together, and he was really fun. It looked like we were going to maybe start dating, but I freaked out because I still loved Adam. I always felt like it was a bit of a missed opportunity because I went back to what was familiar instead of taking a risk.

You can see where this is going. I ran into Derek recently while I was grocery shopping. Over blueberries we briefly discussed careers. He seemed to be doing well, he certainly looked well and he still had that boyish charm. I told him I was doing well and, more as an afterthought, mentioned that I had been dating someone for a few months. I said, “Nothing too serious.”

Is that how I really think about my relationship with Aaron, nothing too serious? I feel like that isn’t a good sign, and I feel guilty for telling Derek that I don’t think of my boyfriend as being too serious. What does this mean?

Amidst my internal freak out Derek flashed a smile, politely said goodbye and as we were parting ways he gave me his business card and told me to call him if I ever felt like catching up more.

Confused. Confused. I feel confused.

When Kissing Flowers, Tulips are Better than One

So Aaron and I have been dating for a couple of months. It’s been really fun. It’s been great even. But I had my first pang of a misgiving last weekend and I feel unsettled about it. I think that we are through that honeymoon phase where everything is so new and exciting, and all I ever want to do is spend every single waking second with him.

Remember when I said that Aaron was the kind of person that people just knew things about in high school? Well I worry that I should amend that to say that Aaron is the kind of person that knows that people know things about him. Does that make sense?

Definitely, I am still into him and still having fun, but I am noticing that there are a few things that are starting to bother me about him. I really do think that he is great, but sometimes I feel like that is the punch line of all the stories that he tells. I often think to myself when he finishes telling me a story, “Wonderful, another installment in why Aaron does not know anyone cooler than Aaron.” I think it has been highlighted by the fact that he is starting to recycle stories.

I think that confidence is a great thing, but when it borders on arrogance, the glow around him starts to feel a little contrived.

I think that confidence is a great thing, but when it borders on arrogance, the glow around him starts to feel a little contrived. I cannot even nail down a specific story that is indicative of this; it’s just a pervasive theme I am beginning to become more aware of.

So last weekend I decided that it would be good to reconnect with some of my friends that I may have been neglecting in this phase of new-found romance. I went out with Shannon for a few beers, and we talked through some of my doubts. When I expressed some of my feelings, she shrugged and kind of confirmed some of the things that I was thinking, but said that no one is prefect. Her attitude seemed to be that it’s not as though I am thinking about walking down the aisle, so it’s okay to just have fun for right now.

I agree with this, but at the same time, is Aaron what I am looking for or just what I think I am looking for? At my age, do I want to invest a lot of time in something that might just be temporarily fun? Entirely possible I am prematurely freaking out. We will see.

Pollination Vaccination?

Well, 2013 definitely had a magical first few moments, but the magic of the holidays quickly wore off when I came down with the bubonic plague. Okay, I am being dramatic, I didn’t have some sort of medieval death disease, but I felt like I did.

You know those reports that have been surfacing about what a bad year it is for influenza? The reports where health experts warn that this flu season is a long one, the symptoms are bad and mainly manifest themselves by making the afflicted feel as though have been hit by a truck? The reports where they say how important vaccination is this year?

Yup. Of course, I thought I was super woman. I am young, I am healthy, I am not high-risk and I am not afraid of the flu. That arrogance was my undoing and exacted a cruel revenge. On the Wednesday after New Years’ Eve, not even 48 hours after the best midnight kiss ever, I left work feeling fine. In the time it took me to commute home, maybe 30 minutes or so, I went from feeling fine to feeling like I was smacked by a semi.

Don’t talk to me or come near me. But, You can send me a digital flower…maybe?

I felt feverish so I took a fever reducer and laid down for a nap. When I woke up I felt like the semi had reversed to run over me a second time. Before napping I thought I had a fever, post-nap I knew I had a fever. After agonizingly dragging myself from bed Thursday morning to go to the doctor, I felt like an idiot when my doctor asked if I got a flu shot this year.

Well, no. I did not get vaccinated. Thank you for asking.

So she swabbed my nose, which was gross and confirmed I did indeed have influenza. Happy New Year. What a treat! I called Aaron looking for some sympathy and maybe some soup. I didn’t find it, because he was similarly afflicted. Of course, I don’t know why I didn’t see that one coming.

So, which of us gave the other the flu after that magical midnight kiss remains a mystery. The couple that gets the chills, body aches and fever together…stays…together? Didn’t someone say that? One time?

A New Year Blossoms…but Slowly, Please!

Sorry, I’ve been behind a bit…under the weather, like a lot of people!

In general, I hate New Year’s Eve. It ranks among my least favorite evenings of celebration. It is not that I am a “fun suck”, I just feel like there is so much pressure to have the most fun ever and have the perfect midnight kiss and blah blah blah. If you are single, New Year’s Eve is absolutely as bad, if not worse, than Valentines Day. There is not a big, public outing of all single people on Valentines Day like there is at midnight on New Year’s Eve.

I feel like every previous year has been marked by unattainable expectations and then midnight would strike and all the magic and my inevitable high hopes disappeared, and I was left feeling like Cinderella fleeing the ball. New Year’s Eve tends to be less of a fairy tale and more of a monstrous hangover with a side of regret. Until this year.

I was apprehensively optimistic about New Year’s Eve. Since Aaron and I had only been dating for a little bit, we didn’t want to rush things by having a large unveiling with our families at Christmas. My family is crazy–in an absolutely fun and endearing way. But ultimately, crazy in the kind of way where bringing a new boyfriend into the mix after only dating barely a month is reckless if there is any hope of the relationship continuing. However, don’t think that doesn’t mean I was not fending off questions all through dinner and the unwrapping of presents.

Since we were both busy with family over Christmas, I was excited to spend New Year’s Eve with Aaron. I bought the prerequisite sparkly dress that is perfect for drinking Champagne all night to ring in another year, but would never fly any other night of the year.

Aaron and a few of his friends picked me up and we went to meet Shannon at a small house party before we headed out to the bars. There was lots of laughing, merriment and freely flowing amounts of Champagne.

We picked the bar downtown with the cheapest cover, and I honestly can’t even tell you which bar that was because I was having so much fun I didn’t care where we went. Where every preceding New Year’s Eve felt like a disappointment, I was too busy enjoying myself to even reflect on the fact that ringing in 2012 I watched my best friend and her boyfriend kiss before they both embraced me in pity hug. They are great friends, but I was certainly painfully aware of the fact that in that moment I was standing awkwardly in a sea of kissing couples.

Not the case ringing in 2013. I remember smiling so hard it hurt as I was surrounded by people that make me happy and we were screaming at the top of our lungs 10…9…8…7…6…

The best are those that you never forget!

I don’t think we even hit zero or shouted Happy New Year before Aaron cupped my face in his hands and ended 2012 in the most magically unexpected and romantic of ways. I certainly think 2013 has good things to come.

Flowers Never Forget

To try to detail everything that happened after Aaron stopped being the boy across the classroom that every girl was irresistibly attracted to in high school seems impossible. But at some point, when we were talking over drinks and he was recalling high school memories I long since forgotten, I just knew. I knew I was in for it.

In the morning, I still felt foggy, like I was not sure if all of that happened. Erinn called me as soon as she woke up to gloat, “Told you. I 100 percent called you and Aaron. I know everything. Did you give him your number?”

New love…foggy memories

I laughed, “Well, I can’t deny that I had fun with them last night, I don’t think anything will happen. I did not give him my number before I hopped in my cab last night because I am dumb. So I think last night will just amount to a fun memory. Which is totally cool.”

But it wasn’t just a fun memory. We started talking. The more we talked the more uncomfortable I became because I realized that I really liked him. With every guy, I feel like I unconsciously begin a list of reasons why it wouldn’t work. Eventually, the list becomes too long, or I just lose interest. Aaron has a way of keeping me so intrigued I felt giddy all the time.

I can feel my stomach tighten when he calls. When we went on our first date, it felt easy, I felt like I wanted to stay in that moment forever. I know, I know, I am venturing back into the realm of clichés. But that is what I am saying, it is so hard to articulate those moments and the little details that lead up to us eventually dating because they sound trite.

All that I can say is eeeeeeek!

So great. Boyfriend, check.

Christmas present, hmmm…

Morning Dew: The First Droplets of Love on the Petals

To recap, we last departed when I was 17 and in honors English telling the popular girl that I sat next to that every girl is attracted to Aaron. In high school I certainly always admired him from afar. But it would not even be accurate to say I had a crush on him. I think that saying you have a crush on someone implies that you would like for something to happen–that you are entertaining the idea of possibly pursuing something with them. The idea of ever being with Aaron never crossed my mind, ever.

Walk me out in the morning dew!

So, jumping forward about 8 years from being a junior in high school, I venture some sort of brief contact with Aaron as we happen to cross paths for the first time since crossing the stage together with 500 other kids at high school graduation. The first attempt at contact was not necessarily successful. So how has Aaron now come to be my new love interest/obsession when before he was even out of my crushing league?

Well, for that we will have to recount another installment in the Adventures of Liz and Shannon. Shannon and I have been hanging out fairly regularly since we reconnected a couple of months ago. Beyond the little incident in which a stranger at a bar attempted to suck my face in public after Shannon and I raced to the bottom of a shot glass, we have had some tamer adventures. Sure, we still like to go out on a Friday night and have fun, but we temper those times with dinner, a glass of cab, a movie and shopping.

But, like I said, we still enjoy having just a little more fun than we maybe should be at 25. Everything in moderation. So another adventure began unfolding when Shannon texted me the following:

Hey! So a guy I met a couple weeks ago wants to know if I am down to go out downtown this Friday. He apparently rented out some fancy room because it is some occasion and it is supposed to be fun. I dunno, could be okay. You in?

I thought about all of the red flags this invitation raised. Hotel room? Please, I think it is infrequent that a guy rents a hotel room if he is not looking to put it to, um, good use. Further, the fact that Shannon was deliberately vague about how she met him raises suspicions. And finally, I have no idea who this guy is, nor the company he keeps. So, naturally I said:

Sure. Sounds like a terrible idea, but I guess I am in.

So fast forward to Friday. I am sitting in traffic on 35W waiting to get back to my apartment. I had to work late, so it is completely dark when Shannon called.

“So I guess this is not really a party. It is just this kid that is my friend, another friend of his and us.  He mentioned the bars he wants to hit up, should be fine. Guess who his friend is?”

I thought for two seconds and said, “Literally, not even a guess. Who?”

I heard Shannon laugh, “Aaron Mitchell. Haha remember him?”

I audibly sighed and said, “Yes, I remember him. I said hi when I randomly saw him at Qdoba last month. Yup, he has no memory of me.”

Shannon laughed, “Right. Well, I am sure you will turn that around by the end of the night.”

So I shower, grab dinner with Shannon and then we hop in a cab downtown. I wasn’t really nervous until I caught my reflection in the mirrored elevator doors. I felt pretty, but for some reason in that moment, I suddenly felt overwhelmed with apprehension for I don’t even know what.

We knocked on the door and Shannon’s friend answered, “Hey, I am Alec.”

I smiled, “Hello, Alec. I am Liz.”

He smiled, nodded and stepped aside so I walked in, greeted by Aaron.

I inhaled as I thought about what I was going to say, but he beat me to it. He hugged me and said, “Hey Liz. Long time no see, how are you?”

Before I could even think I laughed and said, “Hey Aaron, I am good. You know just livin life.” And I was so perplexed by his differing demeanor from that of the nacho incident the previous month that I could not help my verbal Tourette’s when I said, “Were you at Qdoba like a month ago? I told Shannon I thought you would not remember me because I said hi to you and you looked like you had no idea who I was.”

Obviously, inside my head I was screaming at the top of my lungs for someone to please shut me up. But unfortunately, my Tourette’s won out over my better judgment.

He looked almost uncomfortable when he said, “Uh yeah, I am really sorry. I felt like such an asshole. It was one of those things where we passed so quick that by the time it clicked who you were, it was too late to go back and be like, ‘Oh, hey Liz.’”

I laughed. He laughed. Then we poured some drinks and hit the bars.

We went to some fancy shmamcy bars downtown. My favorite was at the top of the Foshay Tower at a place called Prohibition. It had a killer view, I felt swanky. Shannon and Alec were talking about someone they mutually knew so Aaron and I fell into conversation. I quickly realized that he is smart. Really smart, and articulate. I didn’t think he would be dumb, but it is rare for one human to be blessed with intellect on top of his good looks. Tough to say if it was the overpriced drink or Aaron, but I was starting to feel electric.

A Little Bud of Love Springs Forth!

Want to know a secret? I have a boyfriend. Seriously.

Want to know another secret? My boyfriend’s name is not Grant. Seriously.

Curious yet?

So lets rewind to Grant. After our date at Namaste, he texted me the next day saying he had a great time. I responded in a similar manner and he asked if I would like to get a drink after work sometime. I said that sounded fun. And it did sound fun. Not necessarily an occasion over which I would obsess about what to wear, or be unable to work all day because I was so excited—but enjoyable, certainly.

We never set a firm date, but exchanged a handful of texts over the next few weeks. Ultimately, I did not get excited when he would text me, I found myself making excuses to let his calls ring to voicemail, and eventually I just realized I wasn’t really interested in him romantically. We just kind of trailed off in talking. If I were to see him out, I would say hi, but I just knew “it” was not there.

So let’s get to the good stuff, my new love interest. Read: borderline love obsession. So while I am not looking to beat clichés to death, I suppose there is something cliché about starting a blog in the throes of a dating stagnation, so I am allowed the occasional cliché. What I am getting at is it just happened. We pretty much bumped into each other accidentally. I was not out on a date, I was not looking for anything, I just found him. Right where I left him, in fact. So I guess that is true, you find love when you least expect it or when you are not looking for it.

I definitely did not expect to find love when I went to stuff my face with Coke and nachos at Q’doba in the ‘burbs in October. Even though I live in Minneapolis now, my parents still live out in the land of the ‘burbs. I was on my mission to satiate my nacho craving when I first bumped into Aaron.

I was not terrible in high school, but I was still really skinny and boys generally did not really think of me as an object of desire. For more information, please refer back to my first post in which I excruciatingly detail my lingering awkward stage.

This means that when I initially saw Aaron back in October, I hesitated for a second. I looked at him and my internal dialogue was as follows:

Shit. Say hi? Would he even remember you?

Then we made eye contact, so I attempted nonchalance, “Hey.”

He smiled and nodded his head back by way of greeting. A greeting that clearly said, “I do not know who you are, but I do not want to be rude.”

I shrugged it off. To be fair, I really do not look the same way I did when I was 18. Further, when I think back to high school, we only had one class together in four years. He dated a middle school friend of mine sophomore year, but then she went off the deep end. When we were seniors in high school, he was dating a 21-year-old.

I am completely serious. It all sounds creepy that I know these weird details, but Aaron was just one of those people you knew things about in high school. He was incredibly attractive, he had no problem with women and he seemed so unattainable. He was always known to be a nice guy, but he was in another league. For Christ’s sake, his girlfriend could legally buy alcohol while the rest of us still thought it was cool we could legally drive a car without parent supervision.

When I saw him in Q’doba, I thought back to what Megan said in the one class I had with Aaron–honors English junior year. I was probably looking through our new assignment, when Megan turned and said to me, “Are you ever confused by the people you are attracted to?”

I furrowed my brow and looked at where her line of vision landed on Aaron. I thought it was strange that she was confused about being attracted to him. They were both popular so it seemed like that would a normal thing for her. I shrugged and said, “Oh that is not weird, everyone is attracted to Aaron. He just has that thing about him, you know.”

Planting the Seed of Love

The blind date effect. Familiar with it?  It’s kind of like a runners high, but in the world of dating. Before the run, you dread what is to come. After, you feel amazing as there are endorphins pumping through you. Translating this to a blind date, I was nervous and I desperately wanted to flake. But I did it, and after, I realized that I have not forgotten how to flirt. I am interesting. Plus, there are interesting men out there that I can have fun with. For those that are still raising a skeptical eyebrow, I highly recommend some investigative fieldwork. Don’t take my word for it, try it.

Let me lay it out:

The blind date.

Would this make blind dating easier?

I really do not have a single bad thing to say about dinner with Grant. Past dates with new guys, at times, ventured into uncomfortable territory in those moments where the server is getting drinks or placing the food order. You know, those instances where you and your date are both reduced to staring at a drink menu, or anything else within site to avoid awkwardly looking at each other in silence, begging for a topic of conversation to magically materialize.

The atmosphere of the restaurant we went too was perfect. It was cozy, and the volume was the perfect buzz where I didn’t feel like everyone within a two-table radius was also a part of our date, yet I didn’t have to shout or continually ask Grant to repeat what he said.

So, while we waited a few extra minutes for drinks and refills, it was completely comfortable. The conversation flowed. I learned that Grant has an older brother, he grew up in the suburbs of Chicago but moved to Minneapolis to work for Target as a business analyst, he one time broke his ankle skiing and he minored in Norwegian in college. Overall, fairly standard, safe first-date conversation. Admittedly, it was slightly vanilla, but certainly nothing to complain about. It went well. I am even considering going to dinner with him again.

This date was exactly what I needed. It gave a huge boost of confidence, and made me realize that dating is not so scary. In fact, it’s kind of fun. Grant was a gentleman, he brought me flowers — an unexpected touch of chivalry — he opened the door for me and most important he seemed genuinely interested in the things I had to say. I realized that I am not doomed to flounder in a sea of irresponsible boys or boring men. There are gentlemen that are interesting and are interested in me.

So I’m feeling pretty good. It’s the blind date effect, I swear.

One date down.

Many more to go.